During transitional and transformational periods of life we (as people) tend to question why, how, and what the hell is happening to me. Maybe we feel one of these words or statements for than the other, but the feeling is still there and the change that we are oh so dreading is there for an open ended stay….and if you look farther into the idea of change, stability, and the relationship it has within each human, you realize that everything is constantly changing (even if we don’t realize it). So, we need change to stay stable, well at least minor changes.
The first 10 days in June bitch slapped me so far back it left me it took me days to learn how to stand up again, another few to realize what it was life to function, and a few weeks to to not feel like I was empty and dead on the inside (well, I am still working on that). So, being Leah the typical thing to do would be drive herself into working all the time, doing things, trying to stay busy, and slap a smile on her face when anyone would ask if something was wrong. Because eventually one of two things would happen. I would either forget about what was going on temporarily and then feel the wave of emotion hit afterwards or I would just work myself into the ground and still feel all of the feelings towards the few different situations. So, I did what all the best people do and I combined both together and decided to work a summer solstice retreat in the woods this saturday.
So, on Saturday I woke up early packed up my chair massage, food for the day, equipment for the day, and found a tad bit of sanity and left for Marengo, IL to celebrate the summer solstice with some wonderful humans. The drive was about an hour and I got lost a few times, but with multiple cups of coffee in me I finally made it to the campground. As I walked up to the pavilion where all the classes and workshops were happening I felt a sense of calmness take over. Granted I knew no one in and around the area (I am kind of a lone duck when it comes to wellness situations, I am the odd one out). So I walked up to the pavilion and noticed that the group was just starting a ceremony of some sort (again I am not fully knowledgeable with all of the wellness stuff that I encountered on saturday). So I quietly walked up, sat down, and just enjoyed what was happening. I couldn’t tell you what was happening, but I enjoyed all of the things that were happening. I could feel people reconnecting with themselves and the healing energy from this particular event/ceremony. It was refreshing, uplifting, and lovely to witness. I also couldn’t help, but think that I had to teach after this!?!?!? How the hell was I going to compete with the loveliness of this ceremony? The truth was I wasn’t and I quickly made peace with this. Once the ceremony was over I quickly and quietly looked over my lesson and realized I hated what I planned and said (to myself), “Fuck it, lets wing this bitch,” and class started. The class flowed how the universe thought it would and as I ended classes some anxiety fled into my mind, but I quieted back down and ate some lunch and set up for 6 hours of chair massage (yes six hours will little breaks in between). During this time I had a lot of time to think, while I was working (yes, I am a woman and sometimes I can multi-task, I said sometimes). And I did come to an interesting conclusion…..
I deserve what I put into my work, my different jobs, my passions, my loves, my personal universe, and the universe in general. I am deserving of it, of all of it; evening if right at this moment I don’t feel like I am. I just need to relax, take a step back and realize that I can do this, and I will be able to move forward in my life which or without certain individuals, situations, and be able to get over huge ass obstacles that I thought would just destroy me in the long run.
This is the mindset that I will strive to have going forward through this life journey of crazy things. Will I fail at keeping this attitude? Yes, most definitely. But, at least I know that it will be temporary failure and not a permanent state at being. Lessons will be learned and life will be lived. The main thing I need to remember is, I am worth it and I too deserve happiness.
Namaste Everyone, May Your Day Be Short & Your Coffee Be Ever Flowing.
-Leah