A Supermoon, the month of February, & Fibromyalgia walk into a bar…….

If you are looking for an uplifting I am sorry this is not one of them.  As we reached the end of January my emotions go all places that are associated with sadness and anything that could make me happy doesn’t….I just tend to go through the motions and hope for the best.  So, if you have made it this far and want to continue…sit back relax and figure out how the fuck I make it through everyday without killing everything.

On the last day of Jan 2018 the universe decided to have a supermoon/redmoon/bluemoon/lunarEclipse which sent me into the biggest, most intense, most painful flare up of my fibromyalgia I had ever experienced. I didn’t know my body could revolt this much causing myself and my stressed out mother to contemplate going to the ER. For those who know me personally understand that my pain tolerance is high, higher than most due to the chronic pain I have experienced in and through the passed 3-4 years. But, I have always been able to work through it. This was different. It was a constant burning, aching sensation in my back, chest, and shoulders. My hands were numb and it hurt to move. My mother tried to console me to try and not raise my blood pressure more, but nothing would help. It got to the point it hurt to inhale and exhale. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but finally after 5 hours of this, I fell asleep and woke up 75% of the way better…..and as I finish this post I’m right back on track to being 150% better. But, it was scary. I have never and don’t want to be in that position again. I am 26 years old and should be able to take on the world and the reality is I can’t and I have to come to terms with this.

One of the biggest reasons that I despise the month of February is the passing of my older brother. Three years ago on the 21st of February my older brother Johan unexpectedly passed away. For those who don’t know my older brother struggled with depression, anxiety, and addiction for close to 10 years. He was and will forever be my best friend, the nicest man I know, and the best older brother I could have ever asked for. He was gentle, kind, caring, and just a teddy bear. I was beyond lucky to have him for 23 years of my life and I miss him every moment of every day. The pain of loosing someone doesn’t leave, it doesn’t get easier, time allows us to adapt to the grief and learn what the new normal is. He is fantastic in life and in death. And for everyone that asks if I miss him, here is my response: of fucking course I miss him, I’m a human with feelings (damn this is nice to say).

So, now you know during February when you see me just know I’m trying my best. I’m trying my best to keep it together and moving forward and maintaining some sense of sanity (even though mine is not around anymore). I am trying my best. I am trying to survive each day. And I am just trying to be a normal human (this is forever impossible). Just know I’m putting whatever I have into each day to deal with my life.

I am forever grateful for my jobs, for my life, and for who I am as a person. I wouldn’t change anything even though some days seem impossible. Thank you for reading, know that you are a special human, and we are all just trying to make it this existence.

Until next time, stay bendy.

Leah

A much needed break…

When working at so many places putting in 10-14 hour days and feeling like life has hit you in the face and leaves you wanting to crawl into a hole and slowly whither away…and let me tell you it finally did me in. I was exhausted , overworked, and not making hardly any money after paying bills. So, I had to re evaluate some aspects of my life. What was working, what wasn’t working, and what needed to change so I could be living a more successful life. So, what did I do? I quick one job and got hired at another place, decided to beef up my yoga schedule to try and get more reliable income (still working on that), and decided to just pay off two credit cards in full draining my back accounts. Some things were done in the spur of the moment, others were done with a lot of thought and consideration. I have also had to shift how I think and feel about certain aspects of my life. How I do thinks? Can I do them better? How can I take care of myself better? And the best part is…I still don’t have any answers to any questions, I’m still lost in this crazy thing called life and I have a feeling this is going to be a permanent state of mind for a while. Do I enjoy being in this confusing state, no absolutely not. But, I know that it is necessary for me to be here; even though I may not enjoy any part of it. But, with this weird state, I am in and with myself just working my life into the grave, I know that good things are on the horizon. That if I can hold out for just a bit longer, things will be happier and healthier in my life. I’ll quote journey for a second, “don’t stop believing,” and that is just what I intend to do. Until next time everyone. Light, love, & Namaste.

Leah

Closure In The Form Of Rain

Hello Everyone!!!  I know it’s been a while *insert lyrics to it’s been a while since I last saw you*, but I am back and back in the Yoga Game.  The reason why I needed a break from blogging was preparing for my late brother’s birthday and his memorial.  The 4th of this month would have been my bro’s 27th birthday and let tell you that was a more than difficult day for myself and my family.  Exactly a week later we had his memorial at our house with a bunch of friends and family….I also wanted to speak at the memorial, because I could.  There was no reason other than I wanted to it because he is/was/will always be my brother who I love and will forever miss.  On top of all of this I was still teaching close to fifteen classes a week and trying to keep some sanity in my life, which was very hard to do.  The memorial was beautiful, it was exactly what my mother wanted it to be which was perfect for me.  If my mom is happy my dad is happy…which makes myself happy.  Even though my parents are divorced they are extremely civil and nice towards each other….it’s not the perfect situation, but it’s a lot better than it could be.  We had a catered lunch in after the service with the Grateful Dead playing in the background.  My brother was the biggest dead head I had ever known.  After the memorial, my best friend and I adventured to a starbucks and a local record shop.  If you haven’t figured it out yet, I love music….all different types of music….especially rock n roll.  So after wandering through the record shop I found an old school Styx record and a Garfunkal record for my mom.  As soon as I bought the records it started to rain and even though my fibromyalgia was killing me.  I felt a sense of calmness.  It was the feeling I got when I hugged my brother for the last time a few years a go (he lived in Florida, so it was hard to see each other).  I felt better as I walked to my best friends car it literally was closure in the form of a rain drop or maybe the calmness from which that raindrop brought.  I will forever love and miss my brother terribly, he was an amazing man, a kind person, and a wonderful human being.  I am proud to be his little sister and I hope he is proud to have me as a little sister.  I’ll give you some life advice this week….Cherish every thing that life has given you because in a blink of an eye it could be gone.  I send positive energy to all of you this week.

Until Next Time, I’ll see you on your mat,

The Curvy Yogini

Revamp The Restorative

Humans are creatures of habit.  We hate change, don’t like to be uncomfortable, and (well in America) we want things NOW!!! Which is not wrong…..our brain chemistry (survival method) tells the rest of our body once we are comfortable we should not change anything because that could eventually lead to us not surviving.  So, when you look at this as a survival mechanism humans hating the idea of change is an understandable thing.  With that being said, when I went to sequence some new yoga classes….well, I was more than not too thrilled.  But, it was a thing that needed to be down.  Since my brother’s passing…I hate to say this….but…..I have been coasting……through every aspect of my life……  I can’t really blame myself because I am grieving the loss of my brother, my best friend, and my favorite person.  I am allowed to be sad (everyone keeps telling me).  So, knowing that I need to get some sort of normal back into my life….I grabbed my notebook, a few yoga books, some of my yoga journal issues I have marked some good ideas in, and I powered up my tablet and I started sequencing.  I wanted to focus a class on hips, shoulders, and lower back, once I had that figured out I opened up my favorite yoga book….which is, “1000 pearls of yoga wisdom.”  This book is amazing to just have for class inspiration, breathing techniques, break down of some poses, and lots of quotes (my favorite).  Once, I had a light bulb moment I wrote down all of the poses as quick as I could.  Than I focused on modifications for the poses and finally got the breathing down.  The process took a while because I was actually trying to be creative….while trying to be creative.  But, at last I was done and happy with what I had come up with.  I was proud of myself, I actually sat down and changed something about my teaching and maybe it’s a change for the better….who knows?

I hope everyone is having a lovely Memorial Day!

See you on your mat!

The Curvy Yogini

Zen Up & Shape Out?

As the end of 2014 comes to a fast close (in a few days) we (as a society) start to notice the different highlights of the year.  Maybe you try to find one word to summarize up your feelings/experiences/changes that have occurred throughout the last 365 days.  Or, maybe you look to the year 2015 start to plan the year out.  Figure out your New Years Resolution….which could be anything from the gym, to finding true love, maybe moving out, or start to realize that the 90’s was a long time ago (which is so strange to me, because I was born in the 90’s).  I am going into the new year not wishing for things to be different, but wishing that things continue to stay the same and get better.  My health is  always an issue……relationships with my family are always works in progresses…..keeping my romantic life with my wonderful boyfriend of 1 1/2 years hot and spicy…and continue being myself (which can be difficult).  So, maybe just sit back for a second and think what you want to get out of this upcoming year.  Maybe you can surprise yourself what you come up with.

Thank you for your eyes and ears…..and of course thank you for being you!

See you on your mat in 2015,

The Curvy Yogini

When In Doubt…..Side Plank It Out.

When life gives you lemons you make lemon favored vodka.  Not the most yoga think to say but, sometimes life throws us curve balls and all we can do is run after the ball and try to catch it.  For example with me bad things happen in threes.  Which is never a good thing….. so every time these three bad things happen I never think…”Oh I can’t wait for this learning experience to happen so I can learn things!”  I usually think, “Oh shit what the hell is going to happen…. Where’s the vodka?” I know that a learning experience is going to happen and the yogi in me knows it will be a positive experience but, the human in me braces for impact.  Than after the three bad things happen the yogi in me says, “See…I told you, you would survive. ”  The human in me says,  “we survived the battle…We live to see another day.”  But, think about it….Why do humans/people/a person get so scared when bad things happen?  My theory is that the human population hates change.  We don’t like what we don’t know and we are scared of things we can’t explain.  Think of this from a yoga stand point….when a yogi sees a posture that is difficult or one we have never seen before, there is an immediate thought of I can’t do this.  Even though each yogi eventually will have the flexibility, strength, and balance to rock the posture out……our immediate thought is nope I can’t do that.   But, really we should look at the pose with how can I do this to succeed.  It doesn’t have to look pretty, but the goal is to just do it.  If everyone had that same mindset for when bad things happen or when they can’t do something…I think the world may grow a little happier.  But, hey what do I know….I am just a yoga teacher.  Remember this week to not take life to seriously and when in doubt side plank it out.

See you on your mat,

The Curvy Yogini