If you are looking for an uplifting I am sorry this is not one of them. As we reached the end of January my emotions go all places that are associated with sadness and anything that could make me happy doesn’t….I just tend to go through the motions and hope for the best. So, if you have made it this far and want to continue…sit back relax and figure out how the fuck I make it through everyday without killing everything.
On the last day of Jan 2018 the universe decided to have a supermoon/redmoon/bluemoon/lunarEclipse which sent me into the biggest, most intense, most painful flare up of my fibromyalgia I had ever experienced. I didn’t know my body could revolt this much causing myself and my stressed out mother to contemplate going to the ER. For those who know me personally understand that my pain tolerance is high, higher than most due to the chronic pain I have experienced in and through the passed 3-4 years. But, I have always been able to work through it. This was different. It was a constant burning, aching sensation in my back, chest, and shoulders. My hands were numb and it hurt to move. My mother tried to console me to try and not raise my blood pressure more, but nothing would help. It got to the point it hurt to inhale and exhale. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but finally after 5 hours of this, I fell asleep and woke up 75% of the way better…..and as I finish this post I’m right back on track to being 150% better. But, it was scary. I have never and don’t want to be in that position again. I am 26 years old and should be able to take on the world and the reality is I can’t and I have to come to terms with this.
One of the biggest reasons that I despise the month of February is the passing of my older brother. Three years ago on the 21st of February my older brother Johan unexpectedly passed away. For those who don’t know my older brother struggled with depression, anxiety, and addiction for close to 10 years. He was and will forever be my best friend, the nicest man I know, and the best older brother I could have ever asked for. He was gentle, kind, caring, and just a teddy bear. I was beyond lucky to have him for 23 years of my life and I miss him every moment of every day. The pain of loosing someone doesn’t leave, it doesn’t get easier, time allows us to adapt to the grief and learn what the new normal is. He is fantastic in life and in death. And for everyone that asks if I miss him, here is my response: of fucking course I miss him, I’m a human with feelings (damn this is nice to say).
So, now you know during February when you see me just know I’m trying my best. I’m trying my best to keep it together and moving forward and maintaining some sense of sanity (even though mine is not around anymore). I am trying my best. I am trying to survive each day. And I am just trying to be a normal human (this is forever impossible). Just know I’m putting whatever I have into each day to deal with my life.
I am forever grateful for my jobs, for my life, and for who I am as a person. I wouldn’t change anything even though some days seem impossible. Thank you for reading, know that you are a special human, and we are all just trying to make it this existence.
Until next time, stay bendy.
When working at so many places putting in 10-14 hour days and feeling like life has hit you in the face and leaves you wanting to crawl into a hole and slowly whither away…and let me tell you it finally did me in. I was exhausted , overworked, and not making hardly any money after paying bills. So, I had to re evaluate some aspects of my life. What was working, what wasn’t working, and what needed to change so I could be living a more successful life. So, what did I do? I quick one job and got hired at another place, decided to beef up my yoga schedule to try and get more reliable income (still working on that), and decided to just pay off two credit cards in full draining my back accounts. Some things were done in the spur of the moment, others were done with a lot of thought and consideration. I have also had to shift how I think and feel about certain aspects of my life. How I do thinks? Can I do them better? How can I take care of myself better? And the best part is…I still don’t have any answers to any questions, I’m still lost in this crazy thing called life and I have a feeling this is going to be a permanent state of mind for a while. Do I enjoy being in this confusing state, no absolutely not. But, I know that it is necessary for me to be here; even though I may not enjoy any part of it. But, with this weird state, I am in and with myself just working my life into the grave, I know that good things are on the horizon. That if I can hold out for just a bit longer, things will be happier and healthier in my life. I’ll quote journey for a second, “don’t stop believing,” and that is just what I intend to do. Until next time everyone. Light, love, & Namaste.
Hello Everyone! I hope you are all having a wonderful day! I am inviting you all to join me for my live stream TODAY MAY 2nd through PowHow.com at 9am CST. The live stream will be an all levels, beginner friendly, and all sizes and ages yoga class! AND THE BEST PART IS IT IS ONLY $4! If you are interested Click HERE to register.
CAN’T MAKE IT TO THE LIVE STREAM? NO PROBLEM PURCHASE THE VIDEO BY CLICKING HERE
Hope to see you on your yoga mat…..literally! Thanks for being awesome!
The Curvy Yogini
“Life moves fast, if you don’t stop to look around you might miss it.” – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Yes, hello! It’s your friendly neighborhood yoga instructor of the plus size variety. I know it’s been a while, but for good reason! I have been sick…..well yes I have been sick, but really I have been juggling 10 jobs, yes I said it TEN jobs! I work at two places for massage and 8 places for yoga. I know, I know I am crazy, insane, and a chaotic sounding person! Well, it’s because I am. I love being busy I love having to go do things. Maybe it’s because I like to stay busy to help calm my nerves from the impending doom of failure or maybe I just like to be doing things and I enjoy my day off (yes, I allow myself ONE day off). Let me tell you that one day off is amazing. I try not to do anything or maybe I just focus on catching up on paperwork that I have neglected during the week. But, last week as I relaxed the whole day and unfortunately got sick I wanted to look up a meditation for myself to get me in the mood of healing and relaxing.
Guided Meditation Script Part 1
Find yourself a quiet place to sit. Turn off your phone and dim the lights. This is your time. A time for total relaxation and inner stillness.
Take a moment to make sure that you are warm enough, and that you are seated comfortably. Rest your hands loosely in your lap. Now close your eyes.
Take a long slow, deep breath in…hold it for a moment, and then slowly exhale.
Just allow any tension to melt away as you gradually relax more and more deeply with each breath.
Take another long slow, deep breath in…hold it, and then exhale. Empty your lungs completely with your out-breath.
Take a third deep breath in. Take your time. Hold it for a moment, and then let it go.
Already you are beginning to drift into a state of deep relaxation.
Continue to breathe slowly and gently.
Now bring your awareness to the top of your head.
Sense or imagine a feeling of relaxation beginning to spread down from the top of your scalp….
Let the muscles in your forehead and temples relax.
Allow your eyes to relax.
Let your cheeks and jaw soften and let go of all tension.
Now this peaceful feeling flows down your neck and deep into the muscles in your shoulders…soothing them…releasing them.
Allow this peaceful feeling to flow through your arms. Relaxing and soothing…all the way to the tips of your fingers.
As your body relaxes, your mind relaxes. Your thoughts become weightless, like wisps of clouds on the breeze.
Now the peaceful sensation flows through your chest and your stomach. Feel how this area gently rises and falls as you breathe…slowly and deeply. Soothing and relaxing.
Turn your attention to your back, and feel this relaxing sensation flow all the way down your spine.
Now the peaceful feeling flows through your lower body.
Relax your buttocks…the back of your thighs…the front of your thighs. Feel all these large, strong muscles becoming loose and relaxed.
Soothing feelings flow down through your knees, and into your calves.
Your ankles relax. Now your feet relax.
Your entire body is soft, calm and relaxed.
Now it’s time to leave the external world behind, and go on an inner journey. A journey to a place of deep inner stillness.
Guided Meditation Script Part 2
The Inner Journey
Imagine that you are standing on a white sandy beach.
It’s early in the morning, and a light, hazy mist surrounds you.
The sun is rising slowly. You can feel the warm, orange light on your face and your body.
You are feeling content. At ease. Relaxed.
The sand beneath your bare feet is soft and warm.
A light breeze caresses your face.
This beach is deserted. You have it all to yourself, and you have all the time in the world.
Listen to the relaxing sound of the ocean. Its waves are breaking gently on the shore.
Begin to walk slowly through the mist towards the water.
A small boat is waiting for you. The boat is comfortable and steady. Notice that it is tied to the shore with a strong rope.
Walk to the water’s edge and step into the boat.
You are feeling completely at peace, completely safe, and completely relaxed.
When you are ready, untie the rope…and let it go.
Relax, and allow the natural currents of the ocean to guide you away from the beach.
Your boat drifts smoothly. It rocks ever so gently in the water. This rocking motion relaxes you even more deeply.
The sun is now higher in the sky. Its light has gathered strength.
Notice that the mist that surrounds you is beginning to evaporate.
You can see the air becoming clearer and clearer.
Watch as the sun’s rays dissolve all of the mist. Now you can see clearly in all directions. It’s as though a veil has been lifted.
Sparkling ocean water surrounds you on all sides, and in front of you, a small island comes into view.
Your boat moves closer and closer to the island, gliding slowly and effortlessly through the water.
The island is drenched in sunlight. It is covered in tropical palm trees that sway gently in the breeze.
Your boat glides slowly forward, and comes to rest on the shore.
You have arrived.
Step out of the boat and take a moment to appreciate this place of sublime beauty.
Exotic birds dance from tree to tree, and brilliantly coloured flowers grow in abundance.
The air itself seems to shimmer and vibrate with pure, luminous energy.
You can hear the soothing sound of the wind as it passes through the trees.
In this place, you are free from all memories of the past. You are free from all concerns about the future. You are free from all responsibilities.
This is a place of total peace, and it is all yours.
You notice an opening between the palm trees. In the centre of this opening, there is a narrow path that leads deep into a rich green forest.
Begin your journey into the heart of the forest. Follow the path as it meanders between columns of ancient trees.
This forest seems familiar to you, like the memory of a pleasant dream, or a place you visited as a child.
Walk deeper into the forest. You are guided by a force that you trust, and that makes you feel safe, nurtured and still.
You have reached the very heart of the forest. Before you is a shimmering pond of crystal clear water. A pond of perfect stillness.
The pond is round, and it brims with pure spring water.
Notice that the water is perfectly still, like a mirror, free from even the slightest ripple.
A ladder with three steps leads down into the water.
You decide to bathe in this magical pond, and you undress.
As you take the first step down into the pond, you notice that the wind has eased. All the trees have become motionless.
As each moment passes, the world around you becomes more and more calm, and you yourself become more and more still.
As you lower yourself onto the second step, all the birds in the forest become quiet. Their silence is deep and reverent.
Now lower yourself onto the third and final step and glide into the water.
Feel yourself sliding into a deep state of relaxation. In this pond, your thoughts simply melt away.
All is still and silent. The only sound that remains is the sound of waves, far off in the distance.
Your mind seems to expand. You feel timeless…vast…empty…relaxed.
For the next few minutes, enjoy this experience of solitude and inner silence. When thoughts arise, simply let them go and return your awareness to the sound of the waves. When it’s time to return I will guide you home.
READERS, BLOGGERS, AND YOGIS ALIKE!!!! I have some news that will knock your socks off!!! After 6 years of schooling I am finally DONE!!! Those who are just tuning in, here’s a little more information about my schooling adventure. For the past six years I have been a college student. I have gone to school for my Associate’s Degree, Bachelor’s Degree, Yoga certification, and now Certificate in Therapeutic Massage. During my schooling career I have only taken one semester off alternating between part time and full time status. It was a long haul, but I can finally say that I am officially done with my college career. And it feels amazing!!! Granted I have to study and take my State Exam for Massage Therapy, but I am done with college. The feeling is surreal and just weird. But, now I can focus on my yoga business a bit more and just take time to relax and get back to my own yoga practice, meditation, and sauna routine; while also getting caught up on all the work I need to do on my website and finding out how to be an actual adult. I will be back to my normal weekly posting, thank you all so much for all your support and patience it means the world to me! I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your weekend!!! Until next time, I will see you on your yoga mats!
The Curvy Yogini (aka Leah)