A Supermoon, the month of February, & Fibromyalgia walk into a bar…….

If you are looking for an uplifting I am sorry this is not one of them.  As we reached the end of January my emotions go all places that are associated with sadness and anything that could make me happy doesn’t….I just tend to go through the motions and hope for the best.  So, if you have made it this far and want to continue…sit back relax and figure out how the fuck I make it through everyday without killing everything.

On the last day of Jan 2018 the universe decided to have a supermoon/redmoon/bluemoon/lunarEclipse which sent me into the biggest, most intense, most painful flare up of my fibromyalgia I had ever experienced. I didn’t know my body could revolt this much causing myself and my stressed out mother to contemplate going to the ER. For those who know me personally understand that my pain tolerance is high, higher than most due to the chronic pain I have experienced in and through the passed 3-4 years. But, I have always been able to work through it. This was different. It was a constant burning, aching sensation in my back, chest, and shoulders. My hands were numb and it hurt to move. My mother tried to console me to try and not raise my blood pressure more, but nothing would help. It got to the point it hurt to inhale and exhale. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but finally after 5 hours of this, I fell asleep and woke up 75% of the way better…..and as I finish this post I’m right back on track to being 150% better. But, it was scary. I have never and don’t want to be in that position again. I am 26 years old and should be able to take on the world and the reality is I can’t and I have to come to terms with this.

One of the biggest reasons that I despise the month of February is the passing of my older brother. Three years ago on the 21st of February my older brother Johan unexpectedly passed away. For those who don’t know my older brother struggled with depression, anxiety, and addiction for close to 10 years. He was and will forever be my best friend, the nicest man I know, and the best older brother I could have ever asked for. He was gentle, kind, caring, and just a teddy bear. I was beyond lucky to have him for 23 years of my life and I miss him every moment of every day. The pain of loosing someone doesn’t leave, it doesn’t get easier, time allows us to adapt to the grief and learn what the new normal is. He is fantastic in life and in death. And for everyone that asks if I miss him, here is my response: of fucking course I miss him, I’m a human with feelings (damn this is nice to say).

So, now you know during February when you see me just know I’m trying my best. I’m trying my best to keep it together and moving forward and maintaining some sense of sanity (even though mine is not around anymore). I am trying my best. I am trying to survive each day. And I am just trying to be a normal human (this is forever impossible). Just know I’m putting whatever I have into each day to deal with my life.

I am forever grateful for my jobs, for my life, and for who I am as a person. I wouldn’t change anything even though some days seem impossible. Thank you for reading, know that you are a special human, and we are all just trying to make it this existence.

Until next time, stay bendy.

Leah

A much needed break…

When working at so many places putting in 10-14 hour days and feeling like life has hit you in the face and leaves you wanting to crawl into a hole and slowly whither away…and let me tell you it finally did me in. I was exhausted , overworked, and not making hardly any money after paying bills. So, I had to re evaluate some aspects of my life. What was working, what wasn’t working, and what needed to change so I could be living a more successful life. So, what did I do? I quick one job and got hired at another place, decided to beef up my yoga schedule to try and get more reliable income (still working on that), and decided to just pay off two credit cards in full draining my back accounts. Some things were done in the spur of the moment, others were done with a lot of thought and consideration. I have also had to shift how I think and feel about certain aspects of my life. How I do thinks? Can I do them better? How can I take care of myself better? And the best part is…I still don’t have any answers to any questions, I’m still lost in this crazy thing called life and I have a feeling this is going to be a permanent state of mind for a while. Do I enjoy being in this confusing state, no absolutely not. But, I know that it is necessary for me to be here; even though I may not enjoy any part of it. But, with this weird state, I am in and with myself just working my life into the grave, I know that good things are on the horizon. That if I can hold out for just a bit longer, things will be happier and healthier in my life. I’ll quote journey for a second, “don’t stop believing,” and that is just what I intend to do. Until next time everyone. Light, love, & Namaste.

Leah

Schools out FOREVER!?!?!?

READERS, BLOGGERS, AND YOGIS ALIKE!!!!  I have some news that will knock your socks off!!!  After 6 years of schooling I am finally DONE!!!  Those who are just tuning in, here’s a little more information about my schooling adventure.  For the past six years I have been a college student.  I have gone to school for my Associate’s Degree, Bachelor’s Degree, Yoga certification, and now Certificate in Therapeutic Massage.  During my schooling career I have only taken one semester off alternating between part time and full time status.  It was a long haul, but I can finally say that I am officially done with my college career.  And it feels amazing!!!  Granted I have to study and take my State Exam for Massage Therapy, but I am done with college.  The feeling is surreal and just weird.  But, now I can focus on my yoga business a bit more and just take time to relax and get back to my own yoga practice, meditation, and sauna routine; while also getting caught up on all the work I need to do on my website and finding out how to be an actual adult.  I will be back to my normal weekly posting, thank you all so much for all your support and patience it means the world to me!  I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your weekend!!!  Until next time, I will see you on your yoga mats!

Namaste,

The Curvy Yogini (aka Leah)

There’s No Rest For The Wicked

Life tends to get in the way of life….Sounds silly, but it’s true!!!  From being in school to going to the BeHealthful Retreat to working to than sleeping.  This has pretty much been my life for the past month.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for all of the great opportunities, but it can be a bit tiring running around all the time.  But, hey isn’t that how life works? We get throw challenges and then learn from them.  Granted I feel like this year I have learned enough lessons for a lifetime…..but, oh well, life can throw whatever it wants at me I am game and ready for the challenge.

The first challenge of life = school

I started massage therapy school in August!!!  I have been wanting to do massage therapy for years and years, so after 8 years of wanting to I signed up for classes.  I was not expecting the amount of studying and money I would have to put into the program.  But, the knowledge is so useful for my yoga instructing that I just go with it and appreciate every moment of the program.

The second challenge of life = work

I am still teaching at 8 places and enjoying every minute of it!!!  Yes, it is time consuming, busy, and I will never become a multimillionaire….but it is so rewarding that I am able to help people.  I couldn’t imagine not having yoga in my life.  I have met some incredible people through yoga, have gained a sense of worth and calming, and it has helped me stay toned (I do have muscle underneath the fluff!!!).  Yes, I work crazy hours and I drive everywhere…but, I feel so accomplished after teaching three classes in a row.  I know that I have helped people and to me that is the most amazing feeling in the world.

The third challenge of life = medical conditions

I struggle with my various diseases and lack of organ on a daily basis.  It has been a struggle to keep everything in control, but I try my best to do it and not complain.  Recently, I found out that some of my levels were not at goal and I have been feeling sick and sluggish.  Thankfully I have excellent doctors that are confident that my levels will be back at a normal state soon.  I try not to let it get me down in the dumps, but this week it really has been difficult to deal with.  But, I just take one step at a time and deal with each day as it comes.  I remember what my late brother would always say to me, “Keep on keeping on sissy, I love you.”  And with those worlds in my head I do.

The fourth challenge in life = relationships

With my busy non traditional schedule I do not have a ton of time to go out and see my friends.  I am lucky enough to have super understanding friends that don’t hold it against me that I am always busy.  My friends think its cool that I don’t work a 9-5 job….granted I am one of the only ones out of the group of my friends that doesn’t sit at a desk all day…so maybe they are just trying to make me feel included (hopefully not).  But, regardless I have the best friends that any person could have.  I am extremely lucky to have all of them in my life.  I also have been with the same wonderful man for over two years.  Unfortunately because of scheduling we do the long distance relationship life that involves lots of texting, phone calls, and skype dates…..but, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  He’s amazing and I am so lucky to have him in my life.  I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

My number one cheerleader in my life = My Mother

My mother is the most fantastic person on the planet.  She is kind, giving, patience, helpful, supporting, loving, a hard worker, and THE BEST MOM IN THE UNIVERSE.  Through breakups with boys, colleges, and doctors appointments my mom has been there every step of the way.  If I can be half the woman she is I would be the happiest person on the planet.  I love her with all of my heart and am so lucky to call her my mom,

My guiding light in life = My Older Brother

My brother was my best friend and just an overall amazing human being.  When he passed away eight months ago my world shattered.  He was the most important man in my life, we had a wonderful relationship, and I miss him every single day of my life.  He will forever and always be my guiding light.  When I feel like I’m lost I know he will be there in spirit to show me the way.  When I am lonely I know he will be there to comfort me with a hug.  I know he’s proud of me and I hope to continue to make him proud.

I am extremely lucky to live the life I live!!!  Is it perfect? No, absolutely not!!  But, it’s perfect for me, myself and I.  I have a support system of people that are in my corner every second of the day.  I love my job and love what I am going to school for.  I am lucky enough to be able to go back to school for Massage Therapy (which is totally opposite to what my Political Science BA).  And I am just happy being Leah….would I change things yes…but, am I happy with where my life is going? Absolutely!!!  I encourage all of you that read this post to observe your life and if there is something you don’t like in it, modify it until you are happy with it.  Everyone should lead a happy life, not just some weird yoga instructor that has a blog.  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and week.

Until next time

Leah (aka The Curvy Yogini)

Closure In The Form Of Rain

Hello Everyone!!!  I know it’s been a while *insert lyrics to it’s been a while since I last saw you*, but I am back and back in the Yoga Game.  The reason why I needed a break from blogging was preparing for my late brother’s birthday and his memorial.  The 4th of this month would have been my bro’s 27th birthday and let tell you that was a more than difficult day for myself and my family.  Exactly a week later we had his memorial at our house with a bunch of friends and family….I also wanted to speak at the memorial, because I could.  There was no reason other than I wanted to it because he is/was/will always be my brother who I love and will forever miss.  On top of all of this I was still teaching close to fifteen classes a week and trying to keep some sanity in my life, which was very hard to do.  The memorial was beautiful, it was exactly what my mother wanted it to be which was perfect for me.  If my mom is happy my dad is happy…which makes myself happy.  Even though my parents are divorced they are extremely civil and nice towards each other….it’s not the perfect situation, but it’s a lot better than it could be.  We had a catered lunch in after the service with the Grateful Dead playing in the background.  My brother was the biggest dead head I had ever known.  After the memorial, my best friend and I adventured to a starbucks and a local record shop.  If you haven’t figured it out yet, I love music….all different types of music….especially rock n roll.  So after wandering through the record shop I found an old school Styx record and a Garfunkal record for my mom.  As soon as I bought the records it started to rain and even though my fibromyalgia was killing me.  I felt a sense of calmness.  It was the feeling I got when I hugged my brother for the last time a few years a go (he lived in Florida, so it was hard to see each other).  I felt better as I walked to my best friends car it literally was closure in the form of a rain drop or maybe the calmness from which that raindrop brought.  I will forever love and miss my brother terribly, he was an amazing man, a kind person, and a wonderful human being.  I am proud to be his little sister and I hope he is proud to have me as a little sister.  I’ll give you some life advice this week….Cherish every thing that life has given you because in a blink of an eye it could be gone.  I send positive energy to all of you this week.

Until Next Time, I’ll see you on your mat,

The Curvy Yogini

Revamp The Restorative

Humans are creatures of habit.  We hate change, don’t like to be uncomfortable, and (well in America) we want things NOW!!! Which is not wrong…..our brain chemistry (survival method) tells the rest of our body once we are comfortable we should not change anything because that could eventually lead to us not surviving.  So, when you look at this as a survival mechanism humans hating the idea of change is an understandable thing.  With that being said, when I went to sequence some new yoga classes….well, I was more than not too thrilled.  But, it was a thing that needed to be down.  Since my brother’s passing…I hate to say this….but…..I have been coasting……through every aspect of my life……  I can’t really blame myself because I am grieving the loss of my brother, my best friend, and my favorite person.  I am allowed to be sad (everyone keeps telling me).  So, knowing that I need to get some sort of normal back into my life….I grabbed my notebook, a few yoga books, some of my yoga journal issues I have marked some good ideas in, and I powered up my tablet and I started sequencing.  I wanted to focus a class on hips, shoulders, and lower back, once I had that figured out I opened up my favorite yoga book….which is, “1000 pearls of yoga wisdom.”  This book is amazing to just have for class inspiration, breathing techniques, break down of some poses, and lots of quotes (my favorite).  Once, I had a light bulb moment I wrote down all of the poses as quick as I could.  Than I focused on modifications for the poses and finally got the breathing down.  The process took a while because I was actually trying to be creative….while trying to be creative.  But, at last I was done and happy with what I had come up with.  I was proud of myself, I actually sat down and changed something about my teaching and maybe it’s a change for the better….who knows?

I hope everyone is having a lovely Memorial Day!

See you on your mat!

The Curvy Yogini

Coffee, Yoga Mat, and Your Home

“Life moves to fast, if you don’t stop to look around you might miss it.” -Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Since the death of my brother life has just passed by….not stopping to say hi…..not taking into consideration how I am feeling or how my family is feeling.  It just keeps flying by.  Hours turn into days and days turn into weeks….work continues, school goes on, and life rolls on.  My brother would not want life to stop for myself or our family, but I am not going to lie I miss him everyday terribly…and I probably always will miss him.

To help focus my energy to something positive and productive I have really started to work on developing my Yoga Practice in the comfort of my own home.  Since I live in the country I call it my hillbilly yoga studio.  I have my mat right in front of my wood stove (regardless if a fire is going), get my cup of coffee, and start with about 20 mins about deep stretching followed by a small flow.  Doing this everyday has help a lot of my medical diseases and is a nice way to start or end my day and its just nice to take the time to myself and relax, breathe, and set my daily intention for the day.

I encourage everyone to do this, even if it is for only 10 minutes a day.  You owe it to yourself to take ten mins out of your busy day for some TLC to yourself.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week

Namaste,

The Curvy Yogini

*I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO THE FEATURE IMAGE USED IN TODAYS POST.  ALL RIGHTS ARE RESERVED WITH THE CREATOR OF THE ARTWORK*

Zen Up & Shape Out?

As the end of 2014 comes to a fast close (in a few days) we (as a society) start to notice the different highlights of the year.  Maybe you try to find one word to summarize up your feelings/experiences/changes that have occurred throughout the last 365 days.  Or, maybe you look to the year 2015 start to plan the year out.  Figure out your New Years Resolution….which could be anything from the gym, to finding true love, maybe moving out, or start to realize that the 90’s was a long time ago (which is so strange to me, because I was born in the 90’s).  I am going into the new year not wishing for things to be different, but wishing that things continue to stay the same and get better.  My health is  always an issue……relationships with my family are always works in progresses…..keeping my romantic life with my wonderful boyfriend of 1 1/2 years hot and spicy…and continue being myself (which can be difficult).  So, maybe just sit back for a second and think what you want to get out of this upcoming year.  Maybe you can surprise yourself what you come up with.

Thank you for your eyes and ears…..and of course thank you for being you!

See you on your mat in 2015,

The Curvy Yogini

Inhale Light & Exhale Darkness

Ever had that moment where you are able to get into that certain pose you have been working on for the longest time? Remember how you felt? Do you remember everything about that day? Well, I had that moment a few weeks ago with dancer’s pose. I filmed a vlog about it a few days talking about my experience. So, please watch the video and subscribe if you would like. I will have a written blog up next week! But, for now…stay calm, create zen, & be you ❤
See you on your mat!

The Curvy Yogini 🙂

Yoga For One?

Any yoga teacher knows the feeling when no one shows up to your yoga class.  It’s disappointing, annoying, & heartbreaking. You immediately think,  “No one likes me anymore….. Maybe everyone thinks I’m awful at teaching…..or in my own personal case I think….. It’s because I’m fat. ”  First, I know I’m not fat I’m thick and deliciously attractive looking.   But, the thought still crosses my mind in certain situations.   Well, I didn’t have anyone show up for one of my classes tonight and I felt all these feelings.   And well I’m broke (Thank you federal taxes) and really needed the money.   But,  just my luck…. no one showed up.  But,  my mom came with me to help me setup and take class. While I setup the room she goes for a walk around the building.   As the time got to 7pm, it was only my mom and I in the room.  So, when it became 7:02PM I turn to my mom and said,  “Do you want a private yoga session?” My mom finally agreed to it,  I turned the music on, and away the session went.   So, for the next 40 minutes I helped my mom into different restorative yoga possess.  Side note, my mom has a bad back, bad rotator cuff, and is blind in one eye.   She never sits down and is hard for her to relax.   So, after the yoga session she helped me pack up and was generous enough to fill up my gas tank (I was running on empty).  It turned out to be a nice night…. Even though I didn’t have anyone show up to my class.  So I guess the moral of the story is even though mothers are a pain in the asana we love them anyway.
Have a great week and I will see you on your mat!

The Curvy Yogini